The 10 Most Mildly Interesting People of 2005

Some quick thoughts on the most recent Barbara Walters special, The Ten Most Fascinating People of 2005.

1) Kanye West - I loved, loved, loved your point how white people using bad grammar in the presence of a black person is more offensive than a white person saying "n----r." If I hear one more white person change their grammar and syntax just to appear cool I'm gonna be poppin' a cap in their ass. Or something.

However, I'm so sick and tired of celebrities using the lame cop-out "It was a joke" when the media call them on their bullshit. When J. Lo made that stupid music video glamorizing her life with Ben Affleck? "It was a joke." When Eminem is called out for his misogynistic, homophobic lyrics? "It's a joke." And, according to Kanye (regarding being quoted in general, not about any specific statement he made):


"I'll say something and think it's funny. They take it out of context and make me look cocky." Cut to footage of Kanye all in white with huge white wings emerging from a crowd of people with their arms up as if praising him. Yeah, Kanye, it's the media that makes you look cocky. You haven't done anything to perpetrate that image yourself at all. Sure.

2) Lance Armstrong- First thing Barbara points out is that he has a heart much bigger than average, a resting heart rate much lower than average, and is in the top 2% of humans when it comes to taking in oxygen. So basically, Lance = Freak.

And then they brought out his fiance, Sheryl Crow, who, with her plain brown suit, looked more real estate agent than rock star.

3) Jaime Foxx - Babs already interviewed him when he won the Oscar earlier this year, then more recently on The View when he was promoting Jarhead. He was just on Oprah today, too. Does this guy really have that much to talk about at this point?

Also, they showed a clip of his music video from his upcoming album. In it, he's working the cigars and furs while singing to some skanky ho's. So, basically, his next career move is going from Academy Award-winning actor to generic, R. Kelly-wannabe R&B singer. Cool.

4) Dakota Fanning - You're "precocious." I get it. But, girl, you better be counting your blessings because you could have been one bad career move from being one of those creepy Welch's Grape Juice kids.


5) Beth Holloway Twitty - Hers is a terrible story that will seemingly never be solved. I'm not sure if this qualifies her as "fascinating," but my heart goes out to her.

6) Teri Hatcher - You're cool, you're hot, I've been a fan of yours since Soapdish, but could you please not cry every five seconds?


7) Tom Cruise - Really, what more is there to say about dear Tom? Although Babs was really earning her reputation as soft-question queen tonight. Her first query to Tom? "What about Mission: Impossible attracts you again and again and again?" Wow, take it easy, Babs. What do you want to do, drive him so mad he jumps on his chair?

8) Tom Mesereau - Ugh, I'm so sick of anything regarding the Michael Jackson trial that I'm not going to bother with MJ's attorney. Anyway, the most interesting thing about him is that he keeps his hair longer than most lawyers. Fascinating, indeed.

9) Condoleeza Rice - She graduated college at 19, loves shoes, and has visited 43 countries this year alone. She's the most powerful woman in the U.S., and some consider her the most powerful woman in the world. There's a lot more to this woman, which makes me question why she wasn't the Most Fascinating Person of 2005. Instead, Babs picks...

10) Camilla Parker Bowles - Um, OK. She did marry Prince Charles. That's head-scratchingly weird more than fascinating. Oh, Camilla, Linda Evans from TV's Dynasty called...she wants her hair back.


Well, that's it. "Fascinating"? Hardly. But that's what makes writing about it so much fun.

Walk the Line

December has a ton of new movies coming out, many on the same weekends: The Chronicles of Narnia, Memoirs of a Geisha, Brokeback Mountain, Munich, The Producers and many more. But as we head into the overstuffed Oscar season, some of the more note-worthy films are already out. I've already mentioned The Squid and the Whale and Capote, and one more to add to the list of recommendations is Walk the Line.

Although this film has received a lot of attention already, I just thought I'd quickly add my two cents. The first thing that sticks out in my mind with this film is just how awesome Joaquin Phoenix is. I've admired his work for some time, from To Die For to Gladiator, but nothing prepared me for this performance. I was originally a little confused as to why he was cast. Not only does he not exactly resemble Johnny Cash (although I can't think of an actor who does), he has a very distinctive look of his own, with his heavy eyes and sharp bone structure. But, at the risk of employing an over-used word, he really is amazing. There's a lot of adjectives to describe what he brings to the picture - smoldering, damaged, desperate, ambitious, funny, fucked-up - sometimes all in one scene.


But halfway through the film is when he really surprises. Stumbling on stage in a drunken, drugged-out stupor, he blazes through his act, heaving his guitar and staring down the audience and band members with wide, crazy eyes before kicking and smashing his equipment and finally passing out. It's almost scary how intense and uncontrollable he is.

Matching him with brassiness instead of intensity, Reese Witherspoon plays June Carter, the country music veteran who second-guesses her talent. I've always been a fan of Witherspoon's, especially after seeing Election. And while the movie is itself a piece of fluff, she displayed really impressive comic timing in Legally Blonde. Although I wouldn't elevate her performance in Walk the Line to the amazing, flawless piece of art that some reviews seem to be doing, she more than holds her own.

Plus, they both do their own singing, and while I found Witherspoon to swing between just okay and pretty great, Phoenix really impresses with a near-perfect (notice I said "near," all you Cash purists out there) impression of Cash's basement-dwelling bass.

The film, however, doesn't quite live up to the greatness of Phoenix's performance and the chemistry he shares with Witherspoon. While perfectly fine for what it's trying to do, it feels very reminiscent of Ray and other musical biopics: traumatic childhood experience, problems with women, alcohol and drugs, the wife suffering on the side, the early rise, the fall, the redemption, etc. Plus, the redemption towards the end seems really rushed and the very end is abrupt and anti-climatic, not deserving of the man the film revolves around.



Walk the Line thankfully only covers the first half of his life so, instead of skipping along from event to event to cram everything in, it gets to dig deeper and develop the characters and stories it focuses on. And it's really cool to see those stories, like Cash and Carter's tour with Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis. Can you imagine seeing all of those acts in one night?

So, before the holiday season becomes truly crazy, I'd recommend seeing this movie. It's definitely worth seeing on the big screen. The way the camera swoops in and around the musicians as they perform, catching every little wink, smirk and eye-roll between Carter and Cash as they perform together, you feel like you're right there with them. You almost feel special for being allowed so close, witnessing greatness from only inches away.

Sweet

Hooray! My blog post about Everyday Italian was the Pick of the Week at Blogcritics.org, a website that compiles blog posts about politics, culture, art, movies, books, music and television. You can check out the entry in my October archives or at the Blogcritics site here.

Look Who's Stalking

I think it's really weird that John Travolta has his own website.

It's not a fan site. It's not created by some dork in his basement who's seen "Pulp Fiction" 500 times.

It's John himself putting together his own site.

I don't really know where to begin with this, but let's give a try:

Why did he do this? Was he not satisfied with his IMDB page? Was he disappointed by his fans' sites? Was he under the impression that there was a void in the World Wide Web, where millions of fans were searching for "official" information about him and not finding it?

I did some (minimal) research, and no other major movie star has their own wesbite, from Tom Cruise and Denzel Washinginton to Reese Witherspoon and Cameron Diaz.

It has news of his current and upcoming projects (including an autobiography - Paris Hilton and Joan Didion better watch their backs), listings by decade of all his movies, a biography, an address to write him, and a page to leave comments and questions.

The simple, straightforward-ness of the site is as off-putting as anything else. You can breeze though it in minutes unless, of course, you actually want to read the descriptions for all of his movies. And the fact that they provide a snail-mail address is so old-fashioned it's almost endearing...operative word being "almost."

I just can't wrap my head around this one. It's one thing when a separate source like the Internet Movie Database lists your entire resume, but why go to so much effort to remind people that you starred in a lot of crap? And John Travolta has starred in a lot of crap, people. I was aware of all the 80's and 90's stinkers, but who knew he was weird, obscure movies in the 70's? I thought his cinematic career started with Carrie and The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, both modern-day classics in their respective genres (thriller/horror and cheesy afterschool-special/disease-of-the-week TV movie). But, apprently, Mr. Travolta starred in a lot of forgettable 70's flicks.

And there's just so much more crap throughout the decades. Does he realize he can actually say "no" to an offer?

No movie star has a flawless resume (Tom Cruise has Legend and Losin' It, Julia Roberts has I Love Trouble and Mary Reilly), but to go out of your way to highlight each head-scratching choice - with descriptions, no less. As if, somehow, by reading the plot of Swordfish we'll understand his decision to sign up for it. And does he really want to focus any more attention on Battlefield Earth?

To top it all off, it links to the website of his wife, Kelly Preston, where she's described as "one of the most sought-after actors in Hollywood." I love this statement for two reasons: a) Sought after? By who? Her last good movie was "Jerry Maguire" in 1996; b) I'm always slightly amused when actresses refer to themselves as "actors," as if we'll automatically take them more seriously.

What were John's intentions behind this website? We may never know (and probably "we" don't really care). I just thought it was weird. And weird stuff is always fun to talk about.

Deep Thoughts from America's Next Top Model, part 3

Bre: "Even though there's a lot of beautiful girls, a lot of beautiful girls don't use deodorant."



Tru dat, yo.

Check out other deep thoughts here!

The Death of the Metrosexual

It was bound to happen sooner or later, and based on numerous articles, including The Guardian and the Chicago Tribune's Red Eye, it looks like "metrosexual" may be coming to the end of its 15 minutes (or four years, but who's counting?).

And it's about time. "Metrosexual" may fall somewhere between heterosexual and homosexual, but why is it on the same spectrum to begin with? To merge one's grooming sensibilities with their sexuality is unnecessary. Is male sexuality so poorly defined that any "new" behavior exhibited by men can actually alter our perception of their sexual preference?

News flash - ask any owner of upscale, high-end spas or salons that caters to a male clientele and they'll assure you that men have been participating in these sorts of activities for years. Look back on the 90's and the pre-metrosexuals were there. The 80's had more than their share of pretty, preening, pin-up boys. The 70's had their own version, too, they just maybe had a moustache and even tighter pants than their modern-day counterparts (but no "manscaping" - chest hair was big back then). The 60's? Well...hippies are smelly by definition, so nevermind.


Lots of people credit Queer Eye for the Straight Guy for intensifying male interest in grooming. After the grungy 90's, male style had been in a transition period. The Fab Five came prancing into our living rooms and made it OK for men to pluck their eyebrows, wear fitted clothing (for the love of God, when will they stop making pleated pants and tapered jeans?), and even exfoliate. After all, the men could reassure themselves that even though they were taking cues from gay men, it was all done to help them get laid, right? Because, really, that's what this is all about: men trying to find that elusive combination of manly ruggedness and sophisticated civility that will help them score with the ladies. Women dictate their tastes and men just try to keep up.

So what's really changed? Some men are clueless about fashion and their own physical image, other men take it to the extreme and spend more time in front of the mirror than their girlfriends. Most men (gay or straight) fall somewhere in between.

A little while ago there was an article in The Guardian about how "ubersexuals" are replacing "metrosexuals." Apparently, "ubersexual" men care about grooming as well, but don't get carried away with it. They smoke cigars, have more male friends than female friends, and lust after and respect women at the same time. Examples included George Clooney, Bill Clinton and...shudder...Donald Trump.

Then there was yet another article stating the following:

"The New Lad is old news, the Metrosexual should pack up his expensive eye cream and the Ubersexual can stop his pathetic dreaming about classic manliness. Modern man is actually a no-nonsense, well-balanced Heteropolitan, according to a new study.

Neither lager-loving sexists obsessed with football nor excessively moisturised, pink-shirted effeminates, Heteropolitans enjoy both the pub and the grooming parlour, and are surprisingly committed to relationships and family life."

Heteropolitan? Are you kidding me? Can't we just give all these names a rest? Why are we so eager to define and label men? Are "pretty boy" and "jock" and "nerd" and all the classics not good enough? We don't come up with all sorts of weird takes on the word "heterosexual" for all the different kinds of women who like to sleep with men. What it is about male sexuality that seems so slippery and elusive that we must stamp it with these strange, unsatisfying titles?

I'm done trying to analyze it. I don't think "Heteropolitan" is going to catch on anyway, so maybe - hopefully - it will all be behind us soon. Good riddance.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go apply pomade to my hair while I drink a beer, watch football, and peruse the latest Express for Men catalog.

Um, Seriously?

OK, so I know these lists are meant to spark water-cooler converation (does anyone even talk around the water-coolers at work anymore? Does any office even have water-coolers anymore?), and this list isn't absolutely terrible, still, some of these choices are beyond odd.

I'm talking about Premiere magazine's Top 50 Movie Stars of All Time. So Cary Grant and Marilyn Monroe at No. 1 and No. 2, respectively, make sense. Sure. But Tom Cruise is 3? And he and Julia Roberts are both ahead of Katherine Hepburn and Marlon Brando, neither of whom are even in the top 10? What? And while I'm glad Johnny Depp made the list (even though it seems a bit early in his career to really make the top 50), the bottom rung feel like they just threw in modern-day stars to either make nice with publicists or, again, to spark converation: Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, etc. And how did Elizabeth Taylor not make it any higher than 40?

An interesting point: Entertainment Weekly complained that there were no African-American actresses on the list at all. But the only suggestion they had was Whoopi Goldberg who, while an Oscar winner, is probably not worthy of this list. Neither is Halle Berry...yet (although, if she keeps picking winners like Catwoman and Gothika, she could be on a list like this any day now!). Sadly, there really aren't any major black actresses to make this list. Angela Bassett? Surely has the talent, but doesn't always pick the right projects. Hattie McDaniel? She's the first black woman to win an Oscar (for Gone With the Wind), but she was never really a star. Tyra Banks? While her turn in Jason X was stellar, apparently it's just not enough for this elitist, nose-in-the-air magazine.

Tyra Banks Is Mean

So usually at the end of every episode of "America's Next Top Model" they cut one girl, right? Well, on tonight's episode Tyra calls forth the two girls who had the worst pictures of the group as they normally do every week, and she begins her monologue about why they're not progressing, blah blah blah. But then she says that the judges couldn't decide which one of the worst two girls should be cut, so, as Tyra put it, they both had to pack their bags.

The girls begin crying. All the other girls are devastated and shocked.

Only then does Tyra say, "Because we're all going to London!"

It was a joke. Neither of them were cut and they'd have to pack their bags just like the other four girls to go to London.

The two girls who thought they were leaving literally looked at Tyra like, "I can't believe you just did that to me, you cruel, cruel woman."

And who can blame them? I'd be pissed, too.

Your Behavior is Very Naughty

While I do enjoy Commander In Chief and am still trying to figure out how to get paid to watch the Food Network, I have one particular guilty pleasure every friday night.

Supernanny.

I happened upon this show about two months ago and I've watched almost every week since (but I missed last week - damn!).

Let me try to explain my fascination with this show by backing up a little bit. It seems in the last few years I've been in numerous situations with friends and family where we are simply stunned by children's behavior in public. Running around in restaurants, yelling at the top of their lungs in grocery stores, and all while the parents barely seem to notice. And our collective reaction is always the same: "Our parents would never let us get away with that when we were kids."

Enter Supernanny. Here is a show where a bright young woman actually tells parents what they're doing wrong and what they should be doing instead. As monstrous as the children on the show can be (you know producers are searching for the most extreme cases possible), Supernanny - or, Jo Frost, as she actually does have a real name - places most of the attention and problem-solving where it belongs. WIth the parents.

But there's something else going on, something subversive...even dirty, if you will. While the show, the U.S. version of the British edition also starring Frost, makes obvious references to Mary Poppins (the title sequence shows a silouette of Frost holding an umbrella while surrounded by kids), I think they're also aiming for another reference in a very subtle, skillful way.

Frost is a grounded, practical, fun, strict yet warm person with the families. But the commercials, print ads and promo shots seem to emphasize the paradoxical image of her strict, school-marm shtick (stern glasses, finger-wagging) with her short skirts (for a nanny, anyway) and ample, jacket-busting bosom.

Quite frankly, she looks and sometimes acts like a nanny by day and a dominatrix by night.

To see what I mean, check out the above pic provided by ABC as a promo shot. Tell me she doesn't look like she's about to give a spanking.

And that's why I love the show. Not because I have any dominatrix/spanking yearnings, but because I think Frost is actually aware of this dual image and occassionally, slyly plays around with it without losing one iota of credibility as a professional nanny. According to the ABC website, she even made "Your behavior is very naughty" a "national catchphrase."

After all, two of her Top Ten Rules (included in her book, of course) include "discipline" and "restraint." I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. It's all right there: Supernanny...who loves to spank.

Great TV, man. Great TV.

Mr. Pickles Wants YOU to Procrastinate

At the DIY Trunk Show held in Wicker Park, Chicago this weekend, local artists gathered to display their homemade goods. Everything from chain-mail jewelry to smiley-faced, moustache-shaped pillows to bowls made out of melted vinyl records were stacked and sold. Low on cash, I snatched up a red leather Robocuff bracelet and a few other goodies. I thought I'd list a few to give all you office drones (says the jobless schmuck) more reasons to procrastinate.

1) One of the stand-outs included Forgotten Toybox, Debb Galcik's collection of paper goods (like these artsy journals). She also created what may have been the most professional-looking items at the show - these stunning copper journals (which were complemented by miniature versions made into necklaces).

2) Jeff Faye takes metal pipes, wooden doors, and other found objects and turns them into funky lamps that could easily fit into a variety of living rooms. I especially like his blender lamps.

3) Amid all the mismatched-scarf-and-puffy-vest indie kids, one woman won't forget the children. Atomic Mama lets you choose what fabric to use, and then turns them into bibs, reversible kimono shirts and more for children. If you want your toddler to be the coolest kid in the sandbox, make sure he's wearing a skull 'n crossbones kimono.

4) Finally, my absolute favorite and the subject of this post's title, everyone's new best friend...Mr. Pickles!!!This bespectacled cucumber travels the world with Hamburger Brown, Rotten Apple and Mr. Friend. Want to see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" reenacted by pickles (and one very hungry Frankenstein)? Click here. Want to know what animals are indigenous to Miami? Click here. Want to hear a touching song about a hamburger who falls in love with a slug? Click here. Join Mr. Pickles as he skis, camps, and goes on a "Love Boat" cruise. It's delicious fun that will keep you entertained for hours (trust me).

That's all for now, kids. Have fun and remember, if you can dig it out of a trash can and turn it into a pair of earrings, that's art.

Two to Check Out

This past Saturday, Navy Pier hosted the SOFA Exhibit, or Sculptural Objects & Functional Art. Amid the vast sea of funky flatware and chickenwire dresses, one particular artist really stood out. Ted Gall creates some of the most unique and beautiful pieces I've seen in a long time, ranging from fun and whimsical to dark and gothic. His pieces that he simply calls Heads are composed of numerous metallic layers that the viewer can peel away. It starts with, say, the face of a pig, which then folds open on hinges to reveal the face of a man, which then flips up to reveal a tiny scene of men overlooking a farm of pigs. The sculptures aren't very big and the amount of detail is extraordinary. Even a tiny girl walking with her father carries a teddy bear, or scenes right out of "The Wizard of Oz" are recreated with figures smaller than your thumbnail.

He also creates larger pieces, some life-sized or even bigger, all with wax and metals. At SOFA, one piece was an ashen puppeteer who is horrified to find that his puppet dangling below him has cut himself loose. The next piece was the marionette walking freely, his strings trailing behind him as if blowing in the wind. The sense of story, movement and environment was fantastic. You can get a sense of this with his piece called "Dancer."

Another artist website to visit is Rick Talley's photography. I just recently met him when I stayed in Kuaui, Hawaii. My friend Becky and I had a leak in our hotel bathroom ceiling, and before we knew it there was practically a waterfall above our toilet. Rick was the hotel's engineer and took care of it for us, but was so friendly that we all got to talking and it turns out that Rick regularly explores the island and takes pictures. I'll hopefully be able to post my own pics from my vacation soon, but Rick does a pretty good job of capturing the island's essence himself. He also taught us about "moonbows," which are rainbows created by rain and moonlight. I've never even heard of them, and Rick's got pictures! He said he'll be updating his site with more moonbow shots, but what he's already featuring gives you an idea of what this beautiful, peaceful island is like.

Who Wants to See That?

If you haven't seen Capote, you're missing out on a good movie and a great performance by Phillip Seymor Hoffman as the eccentric writer researching what will become his famous best-seller, In Cold Blood.

But, when I saw the movie this past weekend, it was proceeded by a preview for Brokeback Mountain, the new Ang Lee film based on Annie Proulx's short story about two cowboys who fall in love. As the preview segues from a story about two young cowboys trying to find jobs to their new, secretive relationship, a man sitting behind me openly mocked the plot. "Who wants to see that?" was said loud enough for everyone around him to hear. Even more ridiculous was when the preview ended and the theater was in total darkness, he proclaims, "Well, that won't last a week."

Who is this moron? First of all, the movie is based on Proulx's story that helped The New Yorker win the National Magazine Award for Fiction. Proulx has also won a Pulizter Prize, so the source material is obviously pretty strong. Second, the film has already been sweeping through the film festivals with massive praise. The hype on this film hasn't quite reached the mainstream yet, so maybe he's not aware of the good will supporting the movie. But he did know, based on the preview, that the movie was directed by Ang Lee, who has given us such diverse quality films as Sense & Sensibility, The Ice Storm and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. While he did slip with the big-screen version of The Incredible Hulk, he's still worthy of our trust to pick quality projects.

Even more importantly, my companion, Eric, pointed out that this guy is making these homophobic remarks at a screening of Capote, a movie about a well-known homosexual. He's so gay he makes Liberace look like Colin Farrell.

Not that being gay is the focus whatsoever of the movie; it's just portrayed as yet another layer to a fascinating, complicated man. But this moron in the theater was surrounded by many gay couples, and you'd think if sexual preference didn't deter him from seeing a film based on Truman Capote, he wouldn't be so upset by Brokeback Mountain, either.

I understand that Chicago is a midwestern city and therefore maybe not quite as progressive as, say, Manhattan (and there are some bigoted jerks in Manhattan, too), but I guess I assumed that most people living in a large urban area are more tolerant and accepting of other people's differences. I know Chicago is very segregated considering how diverse its population is, and I am aware of the occassional asshole who shows his bigotry in public (usually a twenty-something male insecure in his masculinity or middle-aged/older male who's still holding on to outdated generational values).

Still, I couldn't help but be riled by this guy's comments. I could've turned around to say something, but how do you respond to "Well, that won't last a week"? There was only a few seconds before the next preview started, so I couldn't exactly twist around and spew out, "Actually, sir, the movie is getting rave reviews by just about every critic who's seen it, many of whom predict it will win the Best Picture Oscar. And with its pedigreed cast and crew, it will likely appeal beyond a gay audience to anyone who seeks out quality cinema. Instead of merely lasting a week, it will probably be around for months, if not years. So get used to it."

This post is much longer than I expected it to be, and there's still more I could say, but I think the event speaks for itself. Luckily, a few minutes after this genius expressed his ill-informed opinion, the film I paid good money to see began, and for the next two hours I was lost in a story about a writer, who just happens to be gay, who contributed a body of work that has lasted much longer than a week.

New & Shiny

Well, I'm back from Hawaii and decided my blog needs a new look. Plus, my old template was apparently an old template and couldn't support some of the things I wanted to do. I'm not quite used to this new look, however, as all the text seems really small, but overall I'm pleased.

Anyone leaving a comment will also notice that I added the "word verification" security feature. I was getting too much spam in my comments section so I had to add that to keep the spammers out, although I did leave a spam comment in my "Aloha, Suckers" post because it's hilarious - it's for a blog that's all about making lattes, and who among us doesn't need more help making lattes? If the "word verification" gives anyone a problem, let me know.

I'll try to post pics from my adventures on Kuaui soon, and get back to blogging in general.

I hope everyone took advantage of my suggestions while I was gone. Any feedback on the poems, websites, and stories?

Deep Thoughts from America's Next Top Model, part 2

Elyse: "I eat when I'm hungry and I stop when I'm full."

Me, too! I could totally be on this show.

Check out other deep thoughts here!