Curse you, Hung!

Since you are both a) the newly crowned Season Three winner of Top Chef and b) not from Chicago, you ruined the potential trinity of Chicago reality show winners. You narrowly defeated fellow Chicagoan Dale, who would have joined recent America's Next Top Model winner Jaslene (TM) (that's right, I added the TM because if you check out her MySpace profile you'll see that she trademarked her name) and Bravo sister show Top Design winner Matt Lorenz to become the third Chicago reality competition winner in a row. Now our all-powerful, world-crushing triumvirate will never be. And it's all because of two things: curry and cake.

You see, in last night's Top Chef finale, Dale and Hung were duking it out with Casey for the highly-esteemed title and prize money. Casey unfortunately buckled under all that altitude. (Seriously, Casey, you knew the finale was going to take place in Aspen, you know altitude affects cooking times and temperatures, do your research!) So, with four dishes per contestant to choose from, the judges decided that Hung and Dale each had two of the best dishes.

That's where the debate kicked in. Hung kind of missed with his first dish, which lacked acidity, and then underwhelmed again with his dessert, a clichéd chocolate lava cake that in no way fit in with the rest of his impressive Asian menu. Dale, on the other hand, served up a curried lobster dish with unforgivably heavy gnocchi and way too much curry. While Hung's cake was boring, at least it was edible. So the it came down to, is it better for a chef to make a safe choice that doesn't impress but doesn't repel, or should a Top Chef serve up a bold, risky dish even if it goes down in flames?

Earlier in the season, when Casey was winning multiple challenges in a row, it seemed like the finale would be between her soulful cuisine and Hung's technically-perfect food. We already had the Heart & Soul vs. Scientific Precision debate in Season Two, where Ilan's soulful heartiness (or is it hearty soulfulness?) flambéed Marcel's steely glares and fluffy foams. So I'm glad this season's finale was a little different. Would underdog Dale's rollercoaster dinner of robust highs and inedible lows trump front-runner Hung's smooth, analytical consistency?

Well, we know where the judges stand on this issue. You could frame it as, who's restaurant would you rather eat at? Hung's, where everything is perfect if sometimes safe and unsurprising? Or Dale's, where you might get a flawless, creative dish or one so inedible you have to send it back?

It's a trick question. Hung would probably never serve that chocolate lava cake at a restaurant. He's not a baker, he just memorized one cake recipe to pull out of his hat should the need arise. And Dale would never really serve the lobster dish, as chefs don't whip up dishes on the fly and send them out without tasting and testing, going through draft after draft until they get it right.

I'm sure a lot of people will use this finale as evidence that Casey only got as far as she did because Bravo wanted to keep around a cute woman for ratings (which makes no sense because, hi, Bravo is gayer than Logo and here! making out to Fall Out Boy). I can't believe how many comments I've seen on message boards claiming that the only reason she survived was because she's like Jennifer Aniston with bigger boobs, even though we saw episode after episode with Casey deservedly winning. And I also can't understand people bemoaning Hung's win just because he's arrogant and unlikable. To paraphrase ANTM's ever-brilliant, philosophical Jade, this isn't Top Best Friend. In the end, I could understand the decision going either way. As Dale would say, it was "100% 50/50."

The truly disappointing part isn't that Chicago doesn't get one more cubic zirconium jewel in its plastic reality-show crown. It's that, with Top Chef now over, I won't be able to use my brilliant joke that I have yet been able to work into converations:

Padma Lakshmi?

I like her, too.

Also check out: Deep Thoughts From America's Next Top Model, part 6.
And: Top Chef Check-In.

Top Project Runway Rip-Off

With Top Chef, Top Design and last night's debut of Shear Genius, it seems that Bravo is committed to landscaping their entire schedule with the creative-arts-reality-contest "brand" they created with Project Runway. Take twelve campy, dramatic creative people, stuff them in a pressure cooker situation with multiple challenges per episode and then offer them up to awkward hosts and bitchy judges. The diminished returns are obvious. As evidence of how much Bravo has diluted their own brand: Heidi Klum begat Padma Lakshmi who begat Todd Oldham who begat...Jaclyn Smith?

The differences become especially obvious during the best part of each show - the judging process. Top Design is as much about a visual art form as PR. Sure, you might not get to walk in the space and really analyze the details, but for the most part you're experiencing what the judges experience. The vital difference from PR's judging process, however, is that rooms don't move. Those ugly, cavernous booths the contestants paint windows on just sit there. Each designer awkwardly stands at the entrance while the judges silently walk around their creation before moving on to the next one. The whole process is strangely quiet and restrained.

At first I was underwhelmed by TD. Even after a couple episodes, not one contestant had produced a room provoking a response beyond "eh, it's fine." Luckily, Bravo snagged at least 6 genuinely talented designers that began to produce much work as the show went on. And I was happy to see the sophisticated Matt walk away with the contest. He was always professional and produced consistently chic rooms.

(As a side note, since the show is called Top Design and not Top Designer, shouldn't that mean Matt's collection of chairs and sofas walk away with the prize money? And when did Todd Oldham get so orange and sing-songy? He's like a flirty carrot. Even with his exhaustive quick fixes for the contestants, he was much more charming on his own HGTV show.)

What frustrates me about Top Chef is that you can't participate in the judging process the way you can with PR. You hear about the ingredients the contestants are throwing together, you watch them sweat over a stove with a blow torch or massive chef's knife, and you can admire, or mock, the presentation. But you can't actually taste the final product. You have to take the judges' word on whether or not they achieve culinary perfection.

As for Shear Genius...well, let's just say that so far, the best part about it is that it's theme song is nowhere nearly as ear-bleedingly bad as Top Design's. It's as if the composer of TD's wants everyone to hate music as much as they do.

It's not the other show's fault. They just don't fit the medium of television contests the way PR does. Dinner plates and 12'x12' rooms aren't revealed by sexy models hopping and spinning and baring ass. I'm not saying they should, but it would be fun to see a starving model hungrily salivating over the hunk of beef she's parading around, and I don't just mean tall, scruffy TC contestant Sam Talbot (pictured above right). And I have a feeling SG's models might regret appearing on the show once they realize they have to stand around with treasure chest "hair art" on their heads.

Whether it's a plate of dehydrated veal cheeks, plywood walls smothered in Tuscan Sunrise paint, or a mannequin head sporting yet another set of asymetrical bangs, not one of these shows produces the same kinetic sexiness of PR's runway shows. And considering PR just started auditions for Season Four, it's going to be a while before the original returns.

(Thanks to Chicagoist and New York for the pics.)

Also check out: Pack Your Breasts and Leave.
And: Project Runway Sashays Into My Heart.
And: Todd Oldham: Everyone's New Best Friend.