Deep Thoughts from America's Next Top Model, part 6

Ambreal on Tyson Beckford's coaching skills: "Tyson bit my mango."

What the CW won't do for ratings these days.

Curse you, Hung!

Since you are both a) the newly crowned Season Three winner of Top Chef and b) not from Chicago, you ruined the potential trinity of Chicago reality show winners. You narrowly defeated fellow Chicagoan Dale, who would have joined recent America's Next Top Model winner Jaslene (TM) (that's right, I added the TM because if you check out her MySpace profile you'll see that she trademarked her name) and Bravo sister show Top Design winner Matt Lorenz to become the third Chicago reality competition winner in a row. Now our all-powerful, world-crushing triumvirate will never be. And it's all because of two things: curry and cake.

You see, in last night's Top Chef finale, Dale and Hung were duking it out with Casey for the highly-esteemed title and prize money. Casey unfortunately buckled under all that altitude. (Seriously, Casey, you knew the finale was going to take place in Aspen, you know altitude affects cooking times and temperatures, do your research!) So, with four dishes per contestant to choose from, the judges decided that Hung and Dale each had two of the best dishes.

That's where the debate kicked in. Hung kind of missed with his first dish, which lacked acidity, and then underwhelmed again with his dessert, a clichéd chocolate lava cake that in no way fit in with the rest of his impressive Asian menu. Dale, on the other hand, served up a curried lobster dish with unforgivably heavy gnocchi and way too much curry. While Hung's cake was boring, at least it was edible. So the it came down to, is it better for a chef to make a safe choice that doesn't impress but doesn't repel, or should a Top Chef serve up a bold, risky dish even if it goes down in flames?

Earlier in the season, when Casey was winning multiple challenges in a row, it seemed like the finale would be between her soulful cuisine and Hung's technically-perfect food. We already had the Heart & Soul vs. Scientific Precision debate in Season Two, where Ilan's soulful heartiness (or is it hearty soulfulness?) flambéed Marcel's steely glares and fluffy foams. So I'm glad this season's finale was a little different. Would underdog Dale's rollercoaster dinner of robust highs and inedible lows trump front-runner Hung's smooth, analytical consistency?

Well, we know where the judges stand on this issue. You could frame it as, who's restaurant would you rather eat at? Hung's, where everything is perfect if sometimes safe and unsurprising? Or Dale's, where you might get a flawless, creative dish or one so inedible you have to send it back?

It's a trick question. Hung would probably never serve that chocolate lava cake at a restaurant. He's not a baker, he just memorized one cake recipe to pull out of his hat should the need arise. And Dale would never really serve the lobster dish, as chefs don't whip up dishes on the fly and send them out without tasting and testing, going through draft after draft until they get it right.

I'm sure a lot of people will use this finale as evidence that Casey only got as far as she did because Bravo wanted to keep around a cute woman for ratings (which makes no sense because, hi, Bravo is gayer than Logo and here! making out to Fall Out Boy). I can't believe how many comments I've seen on message boards claiming that the only reason she survived was because she's like Jennifer Aniston with bigger boobs, even though we saw episode after episode with Casey deservedly winning. And I also can't understand people bemoaning Hung's win just because he's arrogant and unlikable. To paraphrase ANTM's ever-brilliant, philosophical Jade, this isn't Top Best Friend. In the end, I could understand the decision going either way. As Dale would say, it was "100% 50/50."

The truly disappointing part isn't that Chicago doesn't get one more cubic zirconium jewel in its plastic reality-show crown. It's that, with Top Chef now over, I won't be able to use my brilliant joke that I have yet been able to work into converations:

Padma Lakshmi?

I like her, too.

Also check out: Deep Thoughts From America's Next Top Model, part 6.
And: Top Chef Check-In.

Deep Thoughts from America's Next Top Model, part 5

With so many to choose from in this week's Cycle 9 premiere, where to begin with ANTM's contributions to philosophical quandries?

On self-contradiction!

Sylvia: "I'm not going to give this up. I'm going to give it one last shot."

On professionalism!

Janet: "I guess you've seen one butt, you've seen them all."

On kissing ass!

Tyra: "Any girl that gives me a simulated kitty cat wax is fine by me."

On violence versus, um, violence?...!

Marvita: "I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to slap the hell out of her."

And, finally, this show's raison d'etre, self-awareness!

Mila: "I've basically had a really great life so far, so I basically have no reason not to celebrate! I celebrate a new nail color! That's huge!"

Jenah: "I am beautiful and I'm smart. I know stuff. I read books. I can play beer pong. I party with guys."

Chantal: "I think I have something that no other girl has. I don't know what it is, but there's something. There's something."

Deep Thoughts from "America's Next Top Model," part 4

Nnenna on her male model co-star: "It helps when both models are attractive. He was attractive and I think I'm attractive so I think that helps."

Modelling 101 with the ever-so-humble Nnenna.

Check out other deep thoughts here!

America's Previous Barely-Employable Model

(Blogger's Update: This piece was chosen as an Editor's Pick of the Week March 8-14 at Blogcritics. I'm flattered. Thanks, editors!)

Yes, folks, it's that time of year again. The time when short, thin girls get to pretend they're tall, skinny "models in training," the time when Tyra Banks decides to suck up yet another hour of television, the time when I make fun of her UPN reality show while also unable to turn away whenever it's on.

So as Cycle 6 approaches (why are they called "cycles" anyway? All I associate with that is menstrual cycles...not exactly glamorous fashion), let's take a look back at America's Next Top Model's long history of unquantifiable contributions to American culture. And by "unquantifiable contributions to American culture," I mean "shoving naive, unprepared young women out into the cold, sharp jaws of the fashion world, never to be heard from again." There are five previous winners, each with their own special combination of blind ambition and poreless skin.

1) Adrienne Curry, Cycle 1 - "Crazy Model." Sure, as she climbed her way to the top of the cycle one heap, Adrienne came off more "white-trash tomboy" than actually crazy. Rather than, you know, do some modelling, Adrienne signed up for VH1's The Surreal Life, where her true, mentally unhinged nature was revealed. She latched hoof and claw on to Christopher Knight (a.k.a. "Peter Brady"), a man 25 years her senior, despite his constant protests (a restraining order wouldn't have stopped her). Whatever she did, it worked, and Adrienne undoubtedly made "Momma" Tyra even more proud when she decided to let VH1 document their romance on My Fair Brady. Selling her first-born child to the gods of VH1 in exchange for more cash, Adrianne will soon fart her way through another season of the show where they document their wedding plans. Keeping her modelling dream alive, you can currently see her in the February 2006 Playboy (seriously).

2) Yoanna House, Cycle 2 - "Model Model." Tall, skinny, with a disgustingly symmetrical face, Yoanna is actually the most "model" out of any winner so far. She has also kicked off the trend of throwing a bunch of vowels together and calling it a name (I'm waiting for a future cycle to give us "Oaeiouia" or something. You know it's going to happen). Yoanna was actually enjoying herself as an up-and-coming, successful catwalk model before signing on as a host for the Style Network, thereby increasing her exposure to all of the two people who watch that channel (one being Boy George, the other being Star Jones' husband, together, in pajamas). You can currently see her on the "Style Network" (if that is indeed a real network).

3) Eva Pigford, Cycle 3 - "Mini-Model." Girl is short. At 5'7", she's the shortest winner of the show yet (although no shorter than Kate Moss...if you really believe Eva is actually 5'7"). With a nose described as "piggish" and an attitude to match (she was nicknamed "Eva the Diva"), Eva strutted her way through the third season...oh, sorry, the third cycle...oh, fuck it, the third season...until she was the last one standing. Maybe Tyra couldn't see her from behind her judges' table during eliminations, and Eva just kept showing up until all the other girls had been kicked out. She did guest star on the cancelled UPN Taye Diggs drama, Kevin Hill. You can currently see her in your front pocket.

4) Naima Mora, Cycle 4 - "Coma Model." OK, during season four, I was a full-out fan of Naima. Sure, she was quiet, but she was spunky and weird and said things that were just the right combination of dorky and unironic (she styled her hair into a mohawk to "center" herself) that I couldn't help but root for her. Since she won, she appeared on Tyra Banks' talk show to discuss problems she had with her twin sister (as if being in the shadow of a Top Model wasn't bad enough for her sister. Geez, real nice, Naima) and...not much else. She did do some commercials that were only aired during Top Model where she signed autographs for her fans in...Walgreens. You can currently see her on reruns of America's Next Top Model.

5) Nicole Linkletter, Cycle 5 - "Dairy Queen Model." Looking and acting like the influence for Parker Posey's character in Waiting for Guffman, Nicole might be the prettiest Miss Grand Forks, ND that ever sat on a parade float. After being picked as the winner, Tyra declared that Nicole was chosen because she was "pure model," which brings into question what the hell they were looking for the previous seasons. Supporting Tyra's claim, Nicole will alledgedly be featured in an upcoming couture spread in Elle. Holy crap! That's a real modelling gig! You can currently see her at the local community college where she's learning to spell the word "couture."

Who will be the winner of Cycle 6? Does it even matter? Don't we watch for the catfights, the tears, and the bitchy confessionals? (Note to contestants: you're being recorded.) If we want to watch them actually model, we can just sneak into the V.I.P.-only crowd at the Walmart Fashion Show. Yes, I'm dead serious. Not only does Walmart have a fashion show, it was populated by the "models" from the first four seasons. Momma Tyra must be proud.

Deep Thoughts from America's Next Top Model, part 3

Bre: "Even though there's a lot of beautiful girls, a lot of beautiful girls don't use deodorant."



Tru dat, yo.

Check out other deep thoughts here!

Tyra Banks Is Mean

So usually at the end of every episode of "America's Next Top Model" they cut one girl, right? Well, on tonight's episode Tyra calls forth the two girls who had the worst pictures of the group as they normally do every week, and she begins her monologue about why they're not progressing, blah blah blah. But then she says that the judges couldn't decide which one of the worst two girls should be cut, so, as Tyra put it, they both had to pack their bags.

The girls begin crying. All the other girls are devastated and shocked.

Only then does Tyra say, "Because we're all going to London!"

It was a joke. Neither of them were cut and they'd have to pack their bags just like the other four girls to go to London.

The two girls who thought they were leaving literally looked at Tyra like, "I can't believe you just did that to me, you cruel, cruel woman."

And who can blame them? I'd be pissed, too.

Deep Thoughts from America's Next Top Model, part 2

Elyse: "I eat when I'm hungry and I stop when I'm full."

Me, too! I could totally be on this show.

Check out other deep thoughts here!

Deep Thoughts from America's Next Top Model

Kelle: "I was in denial about my snout."

Totally.

Check out other deep thoughts here!