The Worst Movie of 2005

I haven't seen every movie of 2005 and need to catch up before I compile my own year-end top-ten list. But I know, no matter how many more movies I see, none of them will be as bad as the one that takes the cake as worst of the year:

The Aristocrats.

For those of you not familiar, The Aristocrats is a documentary made by Penn Jillete (the one who actually talks in the comedy act Penn & Teller) and Paul Provenza. They interview over 100 comedians to put their spin on one of the oldest, dirtiest jokes. The basic set-up for the joke is this:

A family walks into a talent agent's office and claim they have a great show. The talent agent says he doesn't book family acts, but tells them to show him what they can do anyway.

This is where the comedian telling the joke gets to improvise. They can make the family's act whatever they want, and it usually involves sex, feces, incest, violence, all sorts of bodily fluids and basically whatever is the grossest thing the comedian can think of.

When the family is done, the talent agent sits in stunned silence, then says, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"

The father replies, "The Aristocrats!"

So the actual punchline isn't really the punchline at all. It's the build-up to the punchline that's the funny part.

I was so excited to see this movie. There wasn't a single bad review from anyone*. Not one single critic had a major problem with the movie. Some admitted that not every comic nailed it, but most reviews were basically licking the movie's ass, some even claiming it's the funniest movie they'd ever seen. So maybe the film got a little too hyped up and thus, my standards may have been too high.

So I saw the film with a friend and we sat there in a silent movie theater, chuckling maybe twice (which is two times more than everyone else in the audience). When the lights came up, we looked at each other and had the same expression on our faces: "Um, is that it?"

They get some of the biggest, funniest comedians of our time - George Carlin, Robin Williams, Jon Stewart, Phyllis Diller, Chris Rock, Eric Idle - over 100 comedians in all. But then most admit that they're not going to even try to tell the joke because they know the filmmakers are interviewing dozens of other funny comics and they don't want to even try to compete, so most of them just explain why the joke is funny (which is never a good idea), or where they first heard it, or the history of the joke. Only George Carlin actually succeeds in being interesting as he navigates us through the joke's history from Vaudeville to now. So they advertise that this is over 100 comedians telling the filthiest joke ever, and less than half of them even attempt to tell it.

And then, out of those comics who actually bother, most half-ass it, because, again, they don't want to really try hard and then look bad if the're being shown right after someone else who was funnier. I can name five comedians who were funny: Sarah Silverman, Drew Carey, Andy Richter, Whoopi Goldberg and Gilbert Godfried. Five comics who managed to be funny out of 100. And when Gilbert Godfried is one of those five, you know the movie has a problem. (Although, the version told by the boys of South Park was also funny, but seeing as that's not an actual comedian, it doesn't get added to my list. To see Cartman tell his version, click here).

Contrary to popular opinion, Bob Saget was NOT funny. Since he's best-known for being a non-funny dweeb on Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos, he apparently gets a free pass to the "Funniest Rendition" title simply because we're hearing Bob Saget use the word "fuck." But, Bob Saget saying the word "fuck" over and over again is not, in and of itself, funny. And it's especially not funny when he stops himself EVERY FIVE SECONDS to say, "Whoa, I can't believe I'm saying this. What am I doing? This is so crazy. What am I doing? Whoa." Just shut up and get through the joke already.

Halfway through the movie, an older comic (whose name escapes me) actually tells a non-raunchy yet pretty funny version of the joke. His twist? He changes the punchline to "The Sophisticates," which actually is funnier. Here's the bad editing: it's not until twenty minutes later, after we've seen countless other comedians talk about the joke, does Penn begin to ask his subjects what they think of the new punchline, "The Sophisticates." And basically every comic thinks about it for a second, nods, and agrees that that is funnier. What? You just got a bunch of comics to admit that the very punchline that the movie is named after is not even the funniest option? Good lord.

Reading the reviews, you would think that film critics never went to grade school or high school, because that's all the humor this film consists of. A bunch of people sitting around, going "This guy fucked that girl who peed on that guy.." and thinking it's comedy. I went to high school with 15-year-old boys who basically joked about the same stuff every day. I don't want to sit in a dark theater for two hours and hear more of the same.

I know most people who see this might think, "Well, he doesn't have a sense of humor." I do have a sense of humor, that's how I know when something is not funny. And all The Aristocrats is doing is patting itself on the back for being funny instead of, you know, actually being funny. It's a waste of time, a huge disappointment, and a waste of a good idea that could have actually been a really great movie.

*Blogger Update: I have since learned I'm not the only that feels this way. If you check out this round-up of Worst Top 10 Lists, you'll see The Aristocrats there at least twice. And Roger Ebert said, "'The Aristocrats' might have made a nice short subject. At 87 minutes, it's like the boozy salesman who corners you with the Pinocchio torture."