Oysters and Mussels and Squid - Oh My!

Since my last update, I've made 79 out of 125 recipes in Giada de Laurentiis' Everyday Italian. I was feeling pretty good about this until I calculated that it only amounts to 63% of the recipes. Ugh. Granted, I did have a big lull from December into January, which I've only recently, and barely, begun to correct. But still, how can I have made 79 recipes and not even technically be two-thirds of the way there yet?

To start with, I've barely touched most of the seafood recipes, many of which call for clams, mussels, oysters and squid. I've never purchased these types of items and they kind of scare me. Part of it is a somewhat rational fear that I will unknowingly store them incorrectly and thus poison myself. But, honestly, part of it is some weird fear that they won't be completely dead and any of the following things will happen:

1) I'll open my refridgerator door, peer inside only to have a squid leap onto my face and wrap its tentacles around my head á la Alien, attacking me before I have a chance to chop it up for Grilled Seafood Salad. I pass out on the floor, the squid stealthily oozes away like a salty, delicious ninja, and the cops can't figure out how my killer left a single streak of slime on the kitchen floor instead of footprints.

2) Same as above, but with oysters. They leap out of their bowl of ice and fasten themselves to my body like possessed clothespins. I run out of the kitchen, limbs flailing, until I pass out from the blood loss and am found lifeless in an alley. (Why I can't just pull them off is beyond me. This is, after all, a list of the ways in which seafood could attack me.)

3) After enjoying Mussels, Clams and Shrimp in Spicy Broth, I fall asleep. The emptied and discarded mussel shells force the trash can lid open and bounce toward my bedroom, clip-clapping against my hardwood floors. I wake up only to have a gang of mussels attacking every inch of my vulnerable body. I try to scream but they pinch my lips shut. They leave a note pinned to my lifeless body, a picture of a fish in a circle with a line through it, which will become their signature as they continue on their quest to take out those who dare to cook seafood.

4) Clams, much like their bretheren, the mussels, decide to wait until the perfect moment. I throw them in the pot while making Spaghetti with Clams. As I open the lid to see if they're done, they leap out at me, so they not only pinch my face but they're boiling hot. Once again, I end up dead in an alley, because no one wants to help the weird guy running around, screaming, with clams on his face. Worse, dinner is ruined.

5) I'm chopping up squid, coating it in flour and frying it in oil to make Fried Calamari. I take a bite, satisfied in my deep-frying skills. It's only then that my cat, who has been watching the whole process, proceeds to rip off his face, revealing a squid underneath. "A ha!" he exclaims in a British accent. "You thought it was I that you just ate, didn't you? Too bad it was actually poor little Isabelle, or 'Izzy' as I believe you preciously nicknamed her. That's right, I killed her in her sleep last night, skinned her and switched her body for mine! And now, as you wallow in the death of your domestic slave who's flesh was fried by your own hands, I shall finally taste the sweet nectar of freedom!" And he, a squid poking out of a real cat's body, jumps out the window and bounces down the street.

There's more, but they tend to become kind of dark and twisted.

So, yeah, I have to admit I've been avoiding certain recipes. Which may also explain why I'm closer to finishing the dessert chapter before any other. I mean, it's not like Almond Cake can just leap out of its pan and suffocate me in its cakey goodness, right? Right?

Also check out: Kiwi, Tab and Turkey.
And: Like an After-School Special, With Liquor.